rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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