wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
