if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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