I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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