would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The air was thick with penises
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
