Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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