Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
