the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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