Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
