I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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