also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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