I just threw up on my dentist
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
