I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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