Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
