Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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