Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
