party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
