But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
