she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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