if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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