Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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