Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize