i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
