I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
