I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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