I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
