why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
