Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just invented taco cereal.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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