shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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