I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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