all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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