can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...