I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married