and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
