So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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