I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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