Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
