Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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