tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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