Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
