Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
