Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
