My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
