Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
