Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court