He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
