Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Congratulations! We have a period
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