dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Randomize
