Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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