i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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