Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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