he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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