It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
