It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
