the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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