remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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