omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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