theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
