i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
