There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
