remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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