I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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