thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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